Caine is dead! What?!

I saw in a headline that David Carradine hanged himself in a Bangkok hotel- I promptly looked for the gotcha tag of it being a crazy, sick, twisted, fucked-up joke...I mean, really?! The Kung-Fu guy? THE Bill of Kill Bill? Jesus! I hate suicide and I always think about all the people dying on the planet who want to fucking live and how much I wish there could be an exchange system where someone who wants to commit suicide can trade places with a person who really didn't want to die horribly from an AIDs-related illness or malaria or whatnot. I selfishly take this position because my own dad died of leukemia and probably would've wanted to keep on living for a couple more years- AT LEAST to see me graduate college or something. Maybe to meet my brother's son Joey...so sad.

I'm particularly sad about him commiting suicide because I used to watch Kung Fu with my dad as well as Doctor Who...SO, if Tom Baker ever offs himself I'm going to be PISSED!

Why do people do this? Maybe he was dying of a terminal illness? That's kind of the only pass I give people a la Hunter S Thompson. Some people would rather go out with a bang than a wimper, I guess.

Medical treatment in Japan- aka The Elephant Woman speaks!

I'd like to take this opportunity to comment on how cheap medical treatment is in Japan compared to the US- or it has been for me so far. I had to go to the dentist for this tooth that's, frankly, been giving me a shitload of trouble for almost three years. I went Monday and Wednesday and although it was painful and has turned me into a bloated monster on the left side of my face this treatment will only, IN TOTAL, cost me about $250. This includes, painkillers and antibiotics that I've gotten for free from the dentist's office, as well as an X-ray and a complete root canal.

The funniest part is how serious everyone has been about the cost- about how expensive it will be for me and am I okay with that? I couldn't help it- I burst out laughing. When one of my wisdom teeth was bothering me right after I moved to DC, I had it pulled with almost no real care, a basic X-ray of just that tooth, and some antibiotics. It cost me $500 for about an hour's worth of work by a DC dentist. Highway fucking robbery. And if I wanted government medical care, just how many redwoods would I need to initial to make that deal with the Devil as well as how many pay stubs, references, background checks, etc? Utter bullshit!

The only real setback is the language barrier- of course! Monday is always my day off and I was expecting a quick jaunt to the dentist followed by dinner with my coworker Luke. Nope! They were pretty confused as was I as to what treatment I would receive and, thankfully, called Nozomi who DID have to work on Mondays. She translated that the same tooth was bothering me as had been for what seems like an eternity and so they got down to business. The problem was that my dentist back home fixed my tooth temporarily and was expecting me to come back for the rest of the treatment...BUT I quit my job with the good health insurance and then travelled, moved, travelled, Obama won, then moved again- blah, blah, blah...then Japan.

So, although I have swollen up to Renee Zellweger a la Cold Mountain proportions, it is only on the left side of my face and makes me look like a fucking freak. This has led to me taking a few days off to let the swelling go down and so as not to frighten the children. I am hoping I will look somewhat normal for my birthday this Sunday when I make soba with my coworkers.

Next stop: gynecologist- I wonder how Nozomi will feel about that one!

Look ma- I'm famous!

Will the real Suzanne please stand up?

So this post is a little late, but who am I kidding, they've ALL been late?

Anyway, I'd just like to thank the Academy, God and, oh yeah! my parents, for naming me Suzanne. Because really that's the ONLY reason I'm going to be on Japanese TV.

The scene: Friday night after work. I'm tired with hardly any make-up left after five classes (the last three of which are with children) and the tired expression of someone who needs food and sleep- in that order, because who eats after they're asleep? Sometimes my coworkers and I will go out after work to have a drink or dinner, but usually I get off work first and dip out to go to the gym so as to avoid as many calories as possible. I'm what people call "an emotional eater" and when that emotion is boredom I eat even more. It's great to live so close to a bustling city like Tokyo, but honestly it's quite a hike for me to get there and the metro shuts down around midnight. That makes being trapped in Tokyo until 5am a real possibility for someone like me who works until 8pm, takes at least an hour to get ready for any outing, and who is prone to alcoholic excesses. SO anyway, my coworkers and I decided to go to a very close restaurant about 2 blocks from my house called Kansai (named after a region in Japan) that specializes in a Japanese food called okonomiyaki- kind of a pancake that you can add various items like seafood or cheese that make it DElicious. Many restaurants in Japan seat you at your own table that's mostly a giant metal fry area where you can cook it yourself and so is pretty fun with a group of people.

So we were leaving work and for some reason my manager Ryota and our Japanese English teacher (JET) Nozomi were quite insistent that we needed to get to the restaurant for our reservation. Luke (the other Native English teacher) and I were puzzled at being hustled out, but didn't think too much of it. Once we left the mall, we walked behind the parking lot (the route I always take to get home) and saw a young woman approach us: "Are you the real Suzanne?" "Uh..." At this point I was in "HOLY SHIT" mode: how the fuck do I know this chick? Many, MANY times I have had drunken nights where I meet nice or interesting people or do really asinine things without remembering jackshit about it. And in Japan I had made more than a couple mistakes with a few women at the gym where I mistook one woman for another as well as seeing a couple of the gym staff out of their trainer clothing who noticed me and I was left stammering to stall for time while I remembered who the Hell they were?

And let me just add to this that she looked kind of crazy. I mean, huge bow in her hair, crazy earrings (one was a giant guitar and another with the word LOVE where it makes a giant square-shape), crazy pink dress and of course, asking me weird-ass questions. She was quite beautiful, though, and contrasted well with my make up-less, shaggy, haggard, horribly surprised expression. Let it be known that I won't be leaving the house or work again without make up.

So then I attempt first contact:
"Oh! HEEEEeeeeeyyyyyy- how are you?" HolyshitHolyshitHolyshitWhoareyouFUCKSHITDAMMIT!

Then she turned to my manager and started speaking Japanese- WTF?! THEN five guys and another girl (two of the guys with cameras that had bright lights attached) came over and then the first girl was standing to my right and the cameras were rolling. I turned to Nozomi with a look that must have been a mix of puzzlement and terror. So Nozomi said "She is very famous and her name is Suzanne. She's been waiting here to talk to you. She has been looking for you." Turns out she's a young Japanese idol with the stage name Suzanne, very famous and who has her own show. There was some contest to find the "real" Suzanne because her real name is Sae and not Suzanne. Anyway, she needed to find another real Suzanne within 24 hours to win this contest, which, by the way, earned her 1,000,000 yen- about $10,000. Of course, I only found out about this AFTER she left with her crew.

Anyway, she asked me a couple of questions (through my Japanese-speaking coworkers, of course), like:

Fake Suzanne: "Do you watch my show?"
Me: "Uh...YES! Of course!"
Fake Suzanne: "No really, do you watch my show?"
Me: "Sorry, I don't watch any TV and technically my television is under my futon to make room for my laptop. But I guess I could start watching your show."
She also wanted me to say "My name is Suzanne" in Japanese- THIS I actually know. And in between this exchange we also kind of goofed around pointing to each other and saying stupid shit about us having the same name. We also hugged a lot and had a group hug with my coworkers. As she was signing autographs for my manager I noticed a small crowd across the street forming who promptly shouted her name as she got into her production bus. That's when I realized that maybe she might be kind of famous and that I should Google her after dinner.

Since then my manager has put flyers up with the picture we took with her and also made handouts for our students. The show will air June 13th from 2-3pm here and I hope to get a copy from any of the various people who will record it.

So...thanks Mom for naming me Suzanne.

Golden Week rant

So Golden Week just finished yesterday and it started out hectic, but I decided I wanted to relax for most of the end of it before coming back to work. Today is my first day back and, luckily, I only have two classes as one was cancelled and the other is only every other week.

For those of you who don't know, Golden Week is kind of like Spring break, but without any religious holiday like Easter- or at least there isn't a holiday that my students or coworkers have mentioned. It makes going out of your apartment somewhat unbearable as people flood into every nook and cranny during this time. It also makes travel within and out of Japan terrible. But travelling TO Japan is pretty awesome. If I'd known and planned better I could have had someone come visit me for ridiculously cheap, but maybe next year?

This time alone did help me think about what kind of life I want while here and what kind of life I DON'T like while I'm here. Basically, I don't want to be a drunk idiot gaijin (foreigner) like some other people I saw at the beginning of this vacation. One in particular rubbed me the wrong way and I feel that eliminating toxic, energy-sucking d-bags like him will make my stay here much better because he's that guy who never got over being in college and tries to re-live it every weekend. I'm all for going out, but not if it's the same routine of getting wasted and being a loud jackass. He does other stuff besides drinking too, but he's that guy who shouts in a silent room, always hoping for even more attention. So even if he's doing something interesting that doesn't include getting shitfaced (rarely) his mere presence makes it not as enjoyable for me. The big problem: I work with him. So I have to see him two days a week and when I see him tomorrow I can only imagine what kind of BS will spout forth from his lips.

One more rant, but this time on being a foreigner in Japan: the racial profiling. Obviously I'm not black and don't know what it's like to be black, but living here and trying to quietly shop in Japan is crazy because you're treated like a circus freak. I feel like it MIGHT be as close as I'll ever come to being racially profiled like many of my black friends back home have told me in story after story. I mean, I do stand out a lot. I DO have blond hair now and I am sometimes a good foot taller than a lot of people here, but for fuck's sake, people! Do you have to be so obvious about it? They try so hard to be subtle, too, but it just makes them stand out to me even more. Usually they're just curious, though, and will casually walk and stand next to me like they're interested in the item two feel away. Now at first I didn't realize what was happening, because I usually make a list of stuff I need then just go to that section and grab, so I can get the Hell outta there ASAP. So I just thought it was a Japanese culture thing when people would browse the shelves next to me, but not actually pick up anything to put in their baskets. But then I'd realize they were then in the next aisle with me- huh? I just picked up laundry detergent and now I'm buying cashews seven aisles away and yet here you are! Coincidence? So I developed a little game where I leave an area as soon as a Japanese person appears and then see what happens. Usually almost immediately they walk away from the area, but all the while keeping their eyes on me until I turn around and I look straight at them- then they fucking bolt. The other game I've played (mostly with older Japanese guys) is staying in the same place for as long as possible to see how long they'll hang out before getting bored and leaving. Let me tell you: older Japanese guys are very patient. I hung out at one of those bargain bins for about 5-7 minutes with this old Japanese guy where we would take turns picking something up and returning it to the bin. Finally I put something in my basket and walked away, and he immediately followed. Hilarious!

The good thing is because everyone's always looking at you, it's pretty easy to ask people questions- when my Japanese doesn't totally suck anyway. It's also really easy to make friends with people because they're interested in you and want to ask you a million questions- usually starting with "Why did you come to Japan?" It's a valid question, but one that's not easy to answer because there are a tons reasons why I came here: my break up with Scott, I wanted to live abroad, I'm trying to further my career, it seemed like an easy way to break into teaching internationally, etc. etc. But it's pretty hard to answer any of that when they speak cavemen English and I speak about 20 words of Japanese. So usually I stick to "I'm interested in Japanese culture." It's a true statement, but I could easily add another 100 countries to the list of places where I'm interested in the culture, language, etc.

Hopefully, I can add some more later that's not so ranty.

STOP THE AIDS!!!

As some of you might or might not have seen on my Facebook account, I went to a Penis festival last Sunday in Kawasaki and had a blast! I've tried to make the link available on my F-book site, but if you have trouble I might have to "invite you"- which is weird, but maybe safer for my personal info...

Anyway, so the Penisfest was pretty awesome and I had a great time at an African festival that Kenyetta, Michaela and I went to right afterwards. There was food from all over Africa (I got some hummus from Morocco, but no pita bread- WTF?), and some food from Benin and Nigeria- yummy! The Nigerian stuff wasn't as good as Tobore's, but beggar's can't be choosers, right? There was also an African band playing and shops from all over Africa selling cool stuff, some of which reminded me of that cool African import store in Adam's Morgan, DC. Then Michaela saw a Senegalese guy she knew, I got to practice my shitty French for a second, and then we headed to another part of the area to take some pictures. Afterwards we walked to the Yokohama Ferris wheel and accompanying park attractions and then we saw some Japanese guys practicing Parkour- AWESOME! For those of you who've never heard of it, one of the most famous people who has started a movement called free running (similar to parkour) was chased by Daniel Craig at the beginning of Casino Royale and his website can be seen here:

http://www.foucan.com/?page_id=75

Anyway, so we saw some guys in a bicycle parking area and they were jumping from bar to bar with each bar being about four feet apart and only about two inches in diameter- not one of them fell!

We watched that for a few minutes before strolling towards the metro- all in all a wonderful, but exhausting day!

Then the next day I met up with my fellow English teacher Luke and we explored the Botanical Garden near his house (he'd been there before), but the cool thing about this place is it is especially designed so that each month different parts of the park are in bloom or there's something interesting to see: last month there was a section of plum trees in bloom and this month the sakura (cherry blossoms) are blooming. There's even a firefly month! Pretty cool way to keep people coming back to your establishment...

After a stroll in the garden (and a hilariously creepy moment watching some carp) we went up one metro stop and Luke took me to this 100 yen sushi place. Now 100 yen is about 1 dollar, so that's pretty cheap for sushi and it was still pretty fresh, but the coolest part was there were two separate conveyor belts: the bottom one was the normal, run-of-the-mill conveyor belt sushi, but the top one (where you can order from a touch screen computer) was delivered via a mini-shinkansen! It was REALLY cute! For those of you who don't know, the shinkansen is a bullet train that seems to have a weird cult following in Japan and is loved by foreigners and Japanese alike for its Zen-like efficiency...so I've read anyway. It's expensive as Hell, but I will be taking it to Obama City on the 19th and 20th and will let you know if it's worth the hype. Here's a link describing it:

http://www.japanrail.com/JR_shinkansen.html

Anyway after that we went shopping at a store called Seiyu? (which turns out to be a subsidiary of Wal-Mart) and I bought these hilarious goodies:




Front:



Back:




Then we went to a wonderfully cool store called Don Quijotes and I found this odd beauty (it's a weird, but poignant hat with the fleur-de-lis on it considering the "Thou Shalt Not Kill" billboards all over NOLA when I lived there, although I'm not too sure who "IT" is supposed to be- a child called "IT" maybe?):





One last thing I bought from Don Quijote (and YES it's ALL what you think it is):








One for the road: a video I made from the Botanical garden:

Weekend in Tokyo

So, of course, my lazy ass didn't finish my story about my weekend out with my Japanese friend Chihiro. We went out for a stroll in Ueno Park on the way to the National museum and then I went shopping with her in Ginza. It was a great day, although I was so tired I had to bail out on other plans I'd made with other people for the rest of the weekend. First I met her at Korakuen Station, which is right next to the Tokyo Dome area and then we got a cab to Ueno Park (my first cab ride in Japan, made much easier by riding with a native speaker).

Once there we strolled around the park until reaching the Tokyo National Museum. It was a great museum that featured many Japanese scrolls, sculptures and old Japanese swords, but I noticed when we got to the sword section that familiar loud, American accent of annoying tourists that turned out to be (obviously) military guys with high and tight haircuts. One in particular kept eyeing me and when I looked over at him, he increased his voice as if trying to get my attention- he did, annoyingly enough. So I lingered a little longer around the katanas until he and his friends got way ahead of us. Sigh...

But to my glee the next section featured traditional wardrobes of the Japanese Ainu, which I assume are similar people to the Native American Alaskan peoples (do we still call them Eskimos?), but it wasn't the clothes that caught my attention as much as the sign revealing that the traditional performances "must have been fabulous." WHAT? Again it said "their performance must have been fabulous"- I'm sorry but when I read that my inner gay voice goes NUTS! Maybe the word fabulous has been forever sullied by me being the ultimate fag hag, but come ON! Okay, I guess you had to be there...

Then she took me to this famous Thai restaurant originally based in Singapore called the Coca restaurant:

http://www.wonderland.to/pc/english/coca_ueno.html

It was great food and I loved the decor.

Then we went shopping at this uppity mall called Printemps, so I could buy some gaijin-friendly dance clothes as I've started going to a Ballet class at the gym during the week. BUT, of course, their large was like America's petite and I had to squeeze my fat ass into everything- DAMMIT! I finally found something that didn't squeal in terror as I out my fleshy legs into it and bought some items fast and furiously.

Places I want to go next:

http://www.ninjaakasaka.com/

http://www.notquitenigella.com/2008/07/11/the-lock-up-prison-restaurant-at-shibuya/

http://www.japan-guide.com/forum/quereadisplay.html?0+44300

Also, my friend Kimie is visiting this weekend with her mom from America, so hopefully I'll have some more pictures to post.

OH! PLEASE post comments- it gives the will to carry on...

I'm sorry, but I don't care what kind of anger management issues Christian Bale has because he's still one of the most beautiful fuckers alive! And a great actor who makes unique, albeit sometimes weird, choices with his movies...



I love Welshmen (don't be fooled by the assumption he's English , Bale was born in Wales)...

Anyway, yet another week of teaching English but this week was "the Easter lesson" (sounds like an obscure 1980's play you'd see your "promising young actor" friend in off-off-off Broadway) and so I tried to add some craftiness to my classes and so far it's worked pretty well. So far I've tried a four-leaf clover for St Patrick's Day, a Valentine's Day heart and this week was a color, cut and paste chick that hasn't destroyed my classroom TOO badly so far.

Just an aside that I have a little boy in one of my classes that interjects once and a while with shouts of "Yes we can!" during lulls in my class and I have mostly ignored them in an attempt to keep the class focused but this week I finally turned to him and and asked "Obama?" Then the WHOLE class started laughing hysterically like I said poop or butt or something- so weird! THEN- the WHOLE class of six kids start chanting "Yes we can!" TOGETHER! I shit you not- crazy... I gotta get my ass to Obama City soon.

So I haven't really ranted about my douchebag neighbor too much on this blog, but I know a few of you know my situation with him, mostly through Facebook status rants: basically, he's loud. In an I'm-an-obnoxious-college-boy kind of way and it wouldn't be SO bad if it were limited to the weekends, but he's loud even during the week at 3 or 4 am? Seriously, dude? WTF? I'm also distressed by the fact that the walls in my LeoPalace apartment complex are very thin, but it still doesn't stop the annoyance of neighbor's shrill, schoolgirl-like laugh that follows with a kind of nyuck nyucking right afterwards. YES! I have been listening in somewhat and have found he's quite the video game and guitar playing dipshit who always seems to be home. This is technically the off season for school, but should end soon (by the end of March, I think), so I'm hoping he either has a job lined up or at least starts to leave the house once and a while. I finally saw him last weekend with his fat friend and he matched exactly what I imagined him to be: a skinny, dork with a goofy, but kind of cute face- who promptly laughed his nyuck nyuck right after I walked past him- douchebag!

This leads me to another reality of Japan for me so far: dating. My JET (Japanese English Teacher) co-worker thinks I should date a Japanese guy, but I have since fallen in love with someone new named Gym. Yep, he's faithful, reliable, clean, and has helped me lose a few pounds since coming to Japan- almost 10 kgs (20 lbs), in fact, in the three months since I've moved here. Don't worry, I don't have an eating disorder, quite the contrary, but I've become quite the gym rat and ALL the trainers know me, which is hilarious! I think the reason I like this gym is that the trainers help you train as part of their job (and not with extra money paid to them for their special attention), the same people teach a lot of the cool classes, and the these classes fucking ROCK! My membership includes classes like ballet (more on that later), hip hop (fucking HILARIOUSLY fun) and a Tae Bo-ish class called Fight Do as well as Hula, Flamenco, and Boot Camp-type shit you'd pay extra for in the states. I LOVE my new boyfriend!

One other piece of news: I finally got a katakana stamp last weekend when I met up with my friend Chihiro (maybe I mentioned her: she and her husband Tomohiro helped me navigate the vast Tokyo metro when I first got here and have since become great people to know for going out and exploring Tokyo). I have another separate post for that, but I wanted to show you pictures of my stamp, an owl, OF COURSE!

Here's the breakdown:









If you're wondering what the Hell it says or how to read it, start from the the top right down and then top left down and it reads: Ro-ma-n-su, my last name- well, kind of- the Japanese LOVE adding vowel sounds, so there's a "u" at the end, but not really pronounced. Voila!

ANOTHER hilarious Japanese ad- this time for pachinko:

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme...

No, I'm not high or on LSD, but I AM pissed that my Japanese reading ability still sucks. Basically, I am living in the apartment of the teacher before me named Marin. She was great from what I hear and was very sweet to leave a lot of stuff here for me as I would have had to buy it all when I moved here. Above the kitchen sink is a small cabinet with spices she bought and many that I have since tried. So one of the bottles had a label that said in English "mint, parsley, thyme" and I was excited to add it to my pasta one night. It was liquidy and easy to spread in with my sauce. Once I started eating an obnoxiously clean taste rose in my mouth- WTF?! SOAP! Marin had put her mint, parsley, thyme dish soap in with the spices before she left. Yay pasta bubbles!

In a related non-Japanese reading story I also dyed my hair for the first time since moving here and let me just say that blond for the Japanese is Village of the Damned hair for Suzanne. It will fucking blind you! I am now speaking from experience...

I'm a lazy bastard!

After much lazing about for the past couple of weeks focusing on "me" time, I've decided to return to you! I won't say there hasn't been much going on, just nothing that I'd say was earth shattering.

First, I did go to Korean BBQ with my student and found that he bucks most Japanese stereotypes about older Japanese people. He IS indeed pretty conservative, but not in the paying-for-the-$50-dollar-lunch-you-invited-me-to department. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a date, but usually when a Japanese person (especially a Japanese student who's pretty much getting a free English lesson with their lunch) invits you to a lunch there's somewhat of a protocol for them to pay. I brought money just in case and I'm glad I did because he might be one of the cheapest men I've ever met. Except where it comes to ordering almost everything on the menu. I have to admit that usually I'm pretty fine with living it up with a somewhat pricey meal, but it was the last week before my first real paycheck and I had all but spent almost all the money I had for the month. So needless to say I was somewhat annoyed when he only pulled out money enough for half the bill. D'oh!

Anyway, the meal was pretty good and somewhat interesting in that I had never eaten so much raw meats in my life. Of course, one of them was an accident, or really my host mistaking raw pork belly (supposed to be cooked) with raw beef (what I was SUPPOSED to eat). Eventually I got the raw beef too (and it was delicious), but eating raw pork belly was like chewing gum and then swallowing- blech! It made eating it cooked unappetizing as cooked pork belly doesn't really lose it's chewiness.

The weird part: I thought I would be horrified at eating such things, but now I'm like "Bring it ON, bitches!" I can't wait to go to SE Asia and eat some fucking BUGS! Except cockroaches, of course....disgusting fuckers....

I have resigned myself to being a better blogger- more comedy of errors to come...

and...

YES! Finally, Cracked has gotten on the bandwagon of stars in Japanese commercials! Although no sign of TLJs:

http://www.cracked.com/article_17080_8-humiliating-japanese-ads-starring-oscar-nominees.html

All better now that V-Day is behind me...

Okay, I won't even go into how happy I am I'm through being reminded of a certain Welshman now that Valentine's Day has come and gone. Onward and upwards...

Tomorrow I will eat Korean BBQ for the first time ever with one of my students. He's really interesting in that he's old school Japanese- he was a McCain supporter during the election and is pretty conservative compared to the rest of my Japanese students who have Obamamania like the rest of us pinko Commies!

Except for that it's pretty much the final countdown until my first REAL paycheck where I can then start living like a normal human being again. I have already started making a list of possible places I want to visit (including the US) for the year. I know I can make quite a few day trips and even weekend trips within Japan and probably even to China and South Korea.

If anyone has any ideas, please share....

FU V-Day!

First of all, I hope no one ACTUALLY took my 25 "random" things post seriously. I read a couple of online articles discussing the "viral" Facebook 25 random things about you and "Hey! Pass it along, friend" message that has been circulating for a few weeks now. I just don't happen to think that too much of a person's life is THAT random. Unless you're Donnie Darko...

Anyway, this week was kind of fun for me (even though I'm single this Valentine's Day) because I've been using work as a good outlet for romantic frustrations. Don't worry, dear readers, because I am NOT having a pity party. In fact, I find life in Japan to be pretty good so far for no other reason than I am making a livable wage for once. But it's been good to create some cute little hearts with my kids for Valentine's Day. My job has been pretty flexible with allowing me to use some of my creative imagination in my lesson planning and that will be my saving grace with teaching English and teaching in general (I hope). It definitely breaks up the monotony of just teaching lessons and playing target-themed games (the target is teacher speak for teaching the students about a certain subject for the class time aka today we will learn about zoo animals or today we'll learn about passive voice, etc). I think that crafts are a great way for me to get out some energy when the lesson planning gets too boring for my taste.

SO I've decided to add another hobby: sewing! Yay! Wait! WHAT? Sewing, but Suzanne, you HATE domestic shit? Yeah, I do, but after shopping around Tokyo for clothing, the largest size is a 10 (not quite there yet) and everything else that would fit me is for those with child. So after I receive my next paycheck I will be shopping for a sewing machine to make some (maybe) cool summer dresses that will fit me, since all the Japanese skinny bitch clothes will not.

I HAVE been a regular member of the gym since joining and tonight when I was about to walk out the door I noticed a ballet class that looks pretty awesome- yeah! ballet at the gym!

By the way, I've gotten to watch some Japanese TV as a result of being a somewhat captive audience at the gym (my TV at home has been stored away safely to make room on my desk for my trusty laptop). One commercial I saw last night that almost made me fall of the Elliptical machine shows a Japanese man about to kiss a Japanese woman, but as she closes her eyes we see him get close and then move slowly downward off screen right next to her. Then her eyes pop open in surprise- OMG! he's eating my ramen Cup of Noodles...Priceless!

Suzanne's, like, 25 totally awesomely randomly cool stuff that you probably didn't know about her

I keep seeing people's random 25 items on Facebook and thought that since I absolutely DESPISE Facebook and most of its members that I'd rather put my list of my totally awesome blog for you to read. Like, ENJOY!


1. I can only achieve orgasm when exercising on the Elliptical machine at the gym
2. I have a third nipple
3. Seeing plants make me vomit
4. I like to burn books in my spare time
5. Kissing boys makes me feel sick, so I only do it when dared.
6. I only use performance-enhancing drugs before I play Inter-mural sports with colleagues.
7. I only take showers before going to the gym.
8. I don’t actually ever go to the gym and therefore never take showers (or have orgasms- see number 1)
9. I have a not-so-secret HUGE crush on Aquaman
10. Drinking green tea makes my pee smell like lavender
11. My favorite colors are orange and green (see number 9)
12. I kancho’d Al Pacino (http://www.kancho.jp/)
13. I have 20 tattoos, one of which features a graphic re-enactment of the sinking of the Indianapolis where all the man-eating sharks are replaced with those most fucked up of animals that I fucking despise….BUTTERFLIES! Fuck you, butterflies!!! Fuck YOU!
14. I’ve never voted Democrat and… actually I’ve never voted period because it’s a pointless waste of time and never changes anything
15. I own 4 guns, one of which emits a sound that kills
16. I only kick dogs when I’m in a good mood.
17. One time during kindergarten naptime my teacher caught me masturbating which resulted in me having to sit at my desk with my head down during every naptime after that.
18. I only donate money to causes that feature celebrities I like
19. I just started a new diet that includes laxatives and plants (see number 3). Or even better, plants that ARE laxatives
20. My worst flaw is that I’m an incredibly generous, hubris-less individual who gives of herself selflessly to everyone I know in such a way that they come to believe me as the second coming of Christ.
21. I think babies smell like brie that’s been left out for 4-6 weeks in the summer sun of Arizona
22. I think English is the easiest language in the world to learn and I don’t understand why lazy foreigners can’t use it when they address me
23. I’m a pretty adamantly racist Scientologist who despises everyone of my “friends” on my Facebook profile with the exception of 3 or 4 (okay 3) people
24. If you’re wondering which one you are you’re probably not on my friend list:)
25. I hate getting drunk and think ALL alcoholics will burn in the ninth ring of Hell
26. I don't see why people think having 3 bottles of vodka with dinner makes ME a drunk

Night of Fury continued...

Monday morning: nothing stirs as Suzanne packs her shit to go get her gaijin card (aka Alien registration card for living and working in Japan). While Ryota, Kara, and Luke sleep soundly, Suzanne tries to remember how to get to the Metro...

Once I got home I had forgotten that I bought some cool shit in the days before while bored and killing time in between classes. Including some cool hashi (chopsticks)...

OWLS! Aren't they the coolest?

So after unpacking my stuff and de-compressing a little from the intense craziness that happened the night before I set out to the Midori Ward office that takes care of official business for Urawa Misono residents. As I walked, I tried to take in my neighborhood because my daily routine doesn't really give me a chance to see where I live. Even though my neighborhood is just outside of Tokyo it's still very rural and the people there have pretty big houses compared with the relative closets in Tokyo. This picture says it all:

In the foreground you see rural (maybe community?) gardens and I even saw a pheasant wandering through the patches of vegetables. Everyone seems to have their own area for growing various things for personal use as I would think anything commercial would go on for acres. In the faint background you can see where I work: Aeon mall and then even further is the Saitama soccer stadium that held the 2002 World cup. To the right there's a lot of construction going on, but for what I'm not sure. This scene reminds me of my childhood back in Florida because when my family moved out to Land O' Lakes it was doing this same kind of rural/suburban straddle that now has too much suburban shit for my liking...


So I got on the bus okay to the Ward office (I was very proud of myself, thank you), BUT then got lost- OF COURSE! DAMMIT! And encountered my first real asshole since moving to Japan: a bus driver. What a dick this guy was! I got on the wrong bus, he basically waved me off when I showed him the address of the place I needed to go in Japanese, but he just pointed to the fare meter and then to the door. WTF? On the bright side there's something comical and reassuring in knowing that dickish bus drivers aren't just found in the good 'ole US of A. I take comfort in that fact, actually, and it leads me to a conclusion about bus drivers in general. You must have to be a schedule person to drive buses and if someone fucks with the schedule (as I was) then there's Hell to pay!


The good news is the last stop was at a Metro station and after a few minor mishaps I got home just fine....

One for the road...

I saw this advertisement on the side of a drink vending machine. I mean, what the fuck is that expression his face because it doesn't look like happiness....constipation maybe? If I were Suntory I'd ask for my fucking money back.

OMG- Did that really just happen? (aka Night of Fury!)

This night started and ended great! BUT in the middle something profoundly fucked up happened. Let me begin....


Sunday night: First I met up with my Japanese Manager Ryota (we call him "Mahnahjeh) and the newest member of my school from San Diego, Luke. The three of us went to the store (kind of like a kickass Dollar store), and then to an izakaya (Japanese bar). I tried some really good shochu (It's kind of like less potent vodka, I guess), but it was jasmine flavored and really awesome! Then I tried some other various dishes, but the main event for me was basashi (horsemeat). Sorry to my vegetarian/PETA friends but Mr Ed is fucking delicious. That's me in the first picture eating it. Then we were met at the izakaya by the fourth member of our party, Kara from New Hampshire. Kara's become one of two of my friends that I've made and love to talk to and go out with since moving here (the other being Robert's friend Kenyetta). I love these ladies! They bring the wild outta me:)

So after getting sufficiently liquored up, we left and started to walk towards the Metro station. Then we start talking about more food that I should try (I love these discussions!) and decided to stop by a Mos Burger (I guess it's kind of like a healthier burger joint where you can get various types of "burgers"). I got a shrimp burger for later because we kind of knew this would be an all nighter.

So this is where it gets weird: we were walking to the station and as we get on the first of two sets of escalators there are two older Japanese guys- one who's CLEARLY very fucked up and another trying to coax him away from the base of the escalator where we were about to get off. We laughed to ourselves, got through the turn styles with our Metro cards (very similar to DC, by the way) and make our way down the second, much longer escalator. We make our way down, start chatting, laughing, "Oh that's so funny, blah, blah...I'm such a drunkard" THUMP!THUMP! (about 10 more of those). Moan, moan, moan....

Holy shit, dude, did that really just happen? Some drunk fucker fell down the escalator.

Mahnahjeh: There is blood.
Me: FUCK!

Blood was starting to pool next to his head- we all looked at each other in horror and then I remembered "hey Suzanne you asshole- first aid training? helLO!" So Ryota and I rush over to him just as his stupid fucking co-workers run to him and go to try to pick him up- I think. The guy isn't really moving, he looks a little twisted, and isn't really saying much. "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" I finally screamed at them-in English- so they back off because I guess they realized the crazy white lady might do them harm. Then I took off my scarf to try to put near what I thought might be the head wound not realizing it's the ridiculously awesome mud scarf Nelia brought back for me from Africa. DOUBLE FUCK!

At this point I just started barking orders like an asshole- poor Ryota- he deserves a medal for dealing with me. He was trying to translate, but basically it was crazy all around. Thankfully the guy was somewhat coherent although I couldn't understand anything he was saying. Luke, who speaks pretty good Japanese from what I hear, told me later that the guy kept saying he was in pain. I think that's a good sign: not dead? Check! Not paralyzed? Hmmmm...maybe? Bleeding? DEFINITELY! All over my awesome scarf and later I realized on my hoodie and all over my hands and left arm.

Once the paramedics arrived I knew we could leave and the Metro police were nice enough to let me wash my bloodied hands in their sink. Nelia, girl, I had to trash your scarf because there was no going back for that baby. Then we made our way to Luke's house for Wii Beer Pong (It DOES exist!) and Wii bowling. And MAN! did I need a drink after that...

(Kool and the gang playing drunken Wii Beer Pong)



The last big event for the night was a trip to Don Quihotes (I'm not sure if it's spelled like that on purpose or if it's another Engrish moment). At this point we're hammered, but why stop now? Must. Buy. More. Alcohol. Before we left I stepped into the 'ole b-room and as I was leaving I realized- WHAT?! I just wiped my ass with Hello Kitty! Yep! I'm not sure if I'm more disturbed that you CAN wipe your ass with Hello Kitty or the fact that a GUY has it in his bathroom- guys would you buy that for your bathroom?

So we walk over there with me right behind Kara and as soon as we're in the store (with very narrow aisles, by the way) she takes off running so that now she and I are playing a drunken, dangerous game of tag near many breakable things. It was awesome!


So we got some more liquor, some snacks, and some weird candy chocolate things Luke insisted we "try." Uh- I don't know about you, but when someone says that they KNOW it's something fucked up and just want to see the expression on your face when you eat it. BUT- had we been sober....

So these chocolates seem normal until you realize it's kind of like a chocogame where everyone takes a piece and out of a seven piece bag three are chocolate filled with jalapeno peppers. Wait- what? So who got the first ones, Ryota and I- DAMN! Who got the last one? Ryota! Awww...evil gaijin fuckers strike again....






(I am angry Japanese man- hear me ROAR, bitches)



Then we all passed out.......................................................................................................

Awwwwwwwwwwww.......

Fin

Do NOT trust this woman!

It's been an eventful day so far:

First, I was woken up at 6:50am in a "What the fuck?" moment when I realized my bed was SHAKING to and fro. Yep! I experienced my first mini-earthquake today, folks! At least I THINK it was an earthquake. Either that or the ridiculous amount of wind outside shook my apartment complex. But no, I'm pretty sure it was an earthquake. "God, Suzanne, man UP!" you might be thinking. But HEY I come from the Gulf coast where my tragedies of childhood were tornadoes, hurricanes, and scary trailer trash. Not that it was at all like I expected. It wasn't like in the movies where shit's falling off the walls and people are screaming while they run to brace themselves in bathtubs and in doorways. Nope! But just to make sure I wasn't totally crazy I tried to look on the Japan Times website (it's in English) for info on the "quake," but I guess unless it's an earthquake the destroys entire cities and kills 10,000 people it's really just another Sunday for Japanese folks.

AND, for those of you who checked my new Facebook status, I joined a Japanese gym yesterday with my patient and sweet manager translating for me. It wasn't a bed of roses for him either. It was page after page of almost ALL Japanese writing and then a tragicomic moment of the gym rep "explaining" everything to him and then him just turning to me and....sigh. Maybe two or three words and then "I tell you later". It was SOOOOO Lost in Translation when Bill Murray's given directions for his commercial and the translator says two words after about five minutes of Japanese. HILARIOUS! Poor manager- he must have been at his wits end by the end of it. Especially the part where the paper asked for all of my medical info- "Shit! SHIT!" he must have been thinking...but, you know, in Japanese. But we got through it okay.

THEN! THEN...I tried to buy him lunch as a Thank you. Another "What the fuck?" moment. He refused and refused and refused. I mean, we're not talking candlelit $100 dinner- it was octopus balls that were about 5 bucks. Finally I got pretty angry and said "You will EAT these octopus balls and you'll LIKE them and you WON'T PAY!" He let me, but DAMN! it was like I asked him to marry me. Then, "I pay next time, I pay next time..." Okay, dude, really- I won't fight with you. So polite it's frightening sometimes...

Sunday: happy happy gym time!

Today I actually went to the gym for "orientation" with another rep and she was SO cute. She tried so hard to keep everything easy for me even though there were two other people in this orientation. I just didn't know how to explain to her that this was, like, the TENTH gym I've joined and once you've seen one chest press, you've seen them all. The other hilarious part was my two other newbies: a young guy (who was as big as my forearm) and a young girl (wearing makeup TO THE GYM! WTF? I get it that in Japan a woman isn't a "WOMAN" until she starts wearing make up, but how attractive is it to have mascara running into your eyes while you're working out? Of course, I'm assuming they sweat like me: a pig!). So while the other two were using the least amount of weight the cute rep comes over and "More weight?" "Yes, please." "More weight?" "Yep." "MORE?" I thought it might be a dead giveaway that me being a foot taller than everyone else as well as about 100 pounds heavier that I could probably do more than 20 pounds on the leg press. Yikes! "Uh, next time, maybe more?" "Uh...YEaaah."

Anyway, after much ado to make sure I was understanding how to use the equipment it was time for all of us to be left to the aerobic machine of our choice. The other two picked the running machine of death (treadmills= EVIL for me) and I went to my lovely machine the "cross trainer" aka Elliptical machine. SO my cuddly trainer accompanied me to make sure I knew how to use the buttons correctly, but I was amazed at the features. Everyone gets their own TV AND headphones with clean ear muff thingies to be picked up in one bin and then placed in the "used" bin right next to it- I think! So this was my chance to try to explain who I was and that she was going to see a lot of me in the future as I've decided I can't sleep very well if I don't exercise regularly. PLUS, how am I going to get to keep eating like the piggie I am if I don't work out? Well, I think maybe the trainer got the point in my broken Japanglish, but maybe not...There are no definites yet in Suzanne's happy happy Japan world.

PS- Brangelina are in Tokyo with their 200 kids promoting Brad's "Ben Button" movie- GOD I hate these people. First of all, set in New Orleans with the looming Hurricane Katrina? Fuck YOU, Brad! My NOLA friends told me that when the exalted ones are in NOLA with their bazillion kids there's a spectacle everywhere they go and that the other parents at the private school where they send their kids for the five minutes they're in NOLA are told "Don't look at the stars..." FUCK YOU, Brad and Angie! When I lived in NOLA I don't remember ever hearing your names associated with the city until after...yeah, Katrina. How about respecting people who actually live there by staying the fuck away or just not being colossal asswipes? Okay rant over...

Happy Sunday!

AHHHH! Get that taint outta my face!

People thought I was being irrational when I said I was nervous about trying fugu (potentionally fatal blowfish) BUT here it is in black and white and read all over:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090127/wl_asia_afp/japanhealthpoisonfish_20090127103708

"Blowfish poison scare returns to Japan"

I will admit that I'm not afraid to eat most things: bugs, alligator, turtle, snake, elk, bison (mmm, bison), but I have a caveat to this: I won't eat things that are (or almost are) endangered (whale meat and shark fin soup). Also, I won't eat something that might KILL ME!

Okay, rant over.


I saw an interesting article posted about how various photos of W over the past eight years have cast various shades of him. It also goes on to discuss how the photos may or may not have shaped certain aspects of his presidency among supporters and detractors:

http://morris.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall/

This leads me to a weird conclusion: in retrospect, now that Obama has been safely elected and inaugurated, will Little Shrub become a somewhat tragic figure in the future? I ask only because it seems like his persona has a lot of hubris, yes, but he still doesn't carry the uber-shitbaggery of attitude that I despise in his VP DICK... or even in Rumsfeld, and especially Karl Satan Rove.
But I do take issue with his frat boyish outlook and the way he seemed to have tried to coast by like he has throughout the rest of his life.


Anyway, this week of work is going to be interesting for me as all of my kids' classes were cancelled so that we could have a make up week. I hate to say it, as I've only been here less than a month, but I was ready for a break. I guess I'm getting old. I still have my adult students, though, and I'm getting used to my routine and rather liking it. It seems reassuring to have pretty steady work and pay as everything seems to crumble around the world. I don't know if this means I have absolute job security, but it feels safe for now.

And this week marks two weeks since I applied for my official Alien registration card or gaijin card as it seems more fondly referred to here. And, per usual ce moi, I'm already planning my vacations for the year. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I don't have too much time, but because many cool Asian cities are well within my fingertips I can probably take a lot of mini-vacations this year and then one or two MEGA-vacations. I'm pretty sure one of the mega-vacations will be to FINALLY visit Kelly in Africa. It's been a long time coming, folks, and it's time to see my soul sista because we just keep missing each other. I'm just trying to make sure it's a visit to Kelly in Cameroon and NOT a visit to Kelly in Congo. Yep! THAT Congo...

The other mega-vacation will probably take place around Christmas time because I get about a full week and I could probably save up a couple more days for good measure. I really want to spend New Year's in DC for 2010 and also because I'm dying to see what post-W DC looks like. There's a big part of me that feels like I didn't give DC enough of a chance, frankly, but again it mostly came down to money. That place is fucking expensive! And I was getting paid shit there. Also, it just seemed so dismal to live there while W was in office. BUT my friend Chad said he lived in Dcduring the Clinton years and that it was SO much different from when W took over. So maybe DC's now full of hot, young Dem's? I need updates people...

And one for the road:

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Pop-up-Photograph

First post

So this is my first official post since I've moved to Japan. I have been informed that some people are interested in what I'm up to and I so intend to give my fans what they deserve: exciting posts a la Suzanne. Commence Suzanne's blog- I have now become a "blogger"- fuck!