Do NOT trust this woman!

It's been an eventful day so far:

First, I was woken up at 6:50am in a "What the fuck?" moment when I realized my bed was SHAKING to and fro. Yep! I experienced my first mini-earthquake today, folks! At least I THINK it was an earthquake. Either that or the ridiculous amount of wind outside shook my apartment complex. But no, I'm pretty sure it was an earthquake. "God, Suzanne, man UP!" you might be thinking. But HEY I come from the Gulf coast where my tragedies of childhood were tornadoes, hurricanes, and scary trailer trash. Not that it was at all like I expected. It wasn't like in the movies where shit's falling off the walls and people are screaming while they run to brace themselves in bathtubs and in doorways. Nope! But just to make sure I wasn't totally crazy I tried to look on the Japan Times website (it's in English) for info on the "quake," but I guess unless it's an earthquake the destroys entire cities and kills 10,000 people it's really just another Sunday for Japanese folks.

AND, for those of you who checked my new Facebook status, I joined a Japanese gym yesterday with my patient and sweet manager translating for me. It wasn't a bed of roses for him either. It was page after page of almost ALL Japanese writing and then a tragicomic moment of the gym rep "explaining" everything to him and then him just turning to me and....sigh. Maybe two or three words and then "I tell you later". It was SOOOOO Lost in Translation when Bill Murray's given directions for his commercial and the translator says two words after about five minutes of Japanese. HILARIOUS! Poor manager- he must have been at his wits end by the end of it. Especially the part where the paper asked for all of my medical info- "Shit! SHIT!" he must have been thinking...but, you know, in Japanese. But we got through it okay.

THEN! THEN...I tried to buy him lunch as a Thank you. Another "What the fuck?" moment. He refused and refused and refused. I mean, we're not talking candlelit $100 dinner- it was octopus balls that were about 5 bucks. Finally I got pretty angry and said "You will EAT these octopus balls and you'll LIKE them and you WON'T PAY!" He let me, but DAMN! it was like I asked him to marry me. Then, "I pay next time, I pay next time..." Okay, dude, really- I won't fight with you. So polite it's frightening sometimes...

Sunday: happy happy gym time!

Today I actually went to the gym for "orientation" with another rep and she was SO cute. She tried so hard to keep everything easy for me even though there were two other people in this orientation. I just didn't know how to explain to her that this was, like, the TENTH gym I've joined and once you've seen one chest press, you've seen them all. The other hilarious part was my two other newbies: a young guy (who was as big as my forearm) and a young girl (wearing makeup TO THE GYM! WTF? I get it that in Japan a woman isn't a "WOMAN" until she starts wearing make up, but how attractive is it to have mascara running into your eyes while you're working out? Of course, I'm assuming they sweat like me: a pig!). So while the other two were using the least amount of weight the cute rep comes over and "More weight?" "Yes, please." "More weight?" "Yep." "MORE?" I thought it might be a dead giveaway that me being a foot taller than everyone else as well as about 100 pounds heavier that I could probably do more than 20 pounds on the leg press. Yikes! "Uh, next time, maybe more?" "Uh...YEaaah."

Anyway, after much ado to make sure I was understanding how to use the equipment it was time for all of us to be left to the aerobic machine of our choice. The other two picked the running machine of death (treadmills= EVIL for me) and I went to my lovely machine the "cross trainer" aka Elliptical machine. SO my cuddly trainer accompanied me to make sure I knew how to use the buttons correctly, but I was amazed at the features. Everyone gets their own TV AND headphones with clean ear muff thingies to be picked up in one bin and then placed in the "used" bin right next to it- I think! So this was my chance to try to explain who I was and that she was going to see a lot of me in the future as I've decided I can't sleep very well if I don't exercise regularly. PLUS, how am I going to get to keep eating like the piggie I am if I don't work out? Well, I think maybe the trainer got the point in my broken Japanglish, but maybe not...There are no definites yet in Suzanne's happy happy Japan world.

PS- Brangelina are in Tokyo with their 200 kids promoting Brad's "Ben Button" movie- GOD I hate these people. First of all, set in New Orleans with the looming Hurricane Katrina? Fuck YOU, Brad! My NOLA friends told me that when the exalted ones are in NOLA with their bazillion kids there's a spectacle everywhere they go and that the other parents at the private school where they send their kids for the five minutes they're in NOLA are told "Don't look at the stars..." FUCK YOU, Brad and Angie! When I lived in NOLA I don't remember ever hearing your names associated with the city until after...yeah, Katrina. How about respecting people who actually live there by staying the fuck away or just not being colossal asswipes? Okay rant over...

Happy Sunday!